No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
