Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
