yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
