i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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