He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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