I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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