Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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