we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
