smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize