so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This is my gift to your gina
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
