The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
