im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
