I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
