It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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