for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
