I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
