This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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