i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
