My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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