Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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