I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
