I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
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