I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
