I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
