I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
