Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
