Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize