i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
