You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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