Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
soo... how was my night?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
