It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize