just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize