I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
