My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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