I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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