perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize