mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
