Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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