I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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