does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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