Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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