allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
