you traded sex for a burrito?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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