we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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