Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
