i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Randomize
