my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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