I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
