I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
