I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
