Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
