Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my being single is dangerous.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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