the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
