I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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