y did u give ur computer a hand job?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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