I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
