I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
