i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
it wasn't lemon gatorade
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Randomize
