When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
