Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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