oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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