It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
this will be a night to untag.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
