I intend to get homeless drunk
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
